So here I am, torn between art therapy and blogging. I choose both! Ok, I got a little distracted with the art so now that I'm letting it dry, I shall blog. I have been meaning to do some art representations what I feel I should be like versus what I aspire. It is not just physical but also related to inner strength and feeling. Perhaps I will share, I have not yet decided.
My birthday was a kind of odd day. I got to be a mediator for a couple I know. I felt uncomfortable, but got to apply some of what I have learned about emotional honesty, acceptance, and low self-esteem. I actually feel like I helped but didn't get in the way. I got to spend some time with a dear friend of mine and got a lovely scarf in a coffee can, hehehe. It must be pretty old, as I have not seen a metal can in quite some time. I also had a nice meal with some friends. It was an early night as I got some rather nasty cramps. So I spend my evening under an electric blanket watching Mamma Mia. Meryl Streep has such a vitality and sense of self that I admire. Plus, I really like ABBA and Pierce Brosnan.
Oh, and to mention something that happened right before my birthday. I got thinking about it and me being alive. And I don't know how it happened, but I started crying. It was a good cry, a happy one. I kept thinking to myself about how I loved me. Considering that I honestly had no idea how to ever love myself, this is a big deal. I realized consciously that while there are things I don't like about me that I wish to change, I still loved me.
These last few days, I have slipped up on negativity and insecurity. I just have to pick myself up and keep on trying. I still feel embarrassed with this but I can't focus on that.
My list of gratitudes:
- grateful for how others show love, even if it's not how I expect
- grateful for becoming more at ease with talking to other people
- grateful that I haven't given up on myself and want to improve
- grateful that I'm truly learning what love is
- grateful that a loved one told me that I am in his thoughts every day (that's big progress for showing affection for him!)
- grateful that I'm slowly getting so I don't need so much validation like above but can just cherish it for what it is, some kind words
*hugs* <3
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Mill of hugs to you. I remember during trauma therapy another patient asked how I manage to like and love myself. I never had thought about it. It took some days to ponder however finally I told her:its like falling in love with your boyfriend. You focus on the good points and dont put so much weight on the weaknesses. You learn to accept some his weaknesses and compromise with others. You fal in love with this person.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is exactly how it is for me - at least most fo the time.
By the way as art therapy became so important to me, I have done some research on it and created another blog: http://recoveryinart.blogspot.com. With articles I found helpful, my pictures and youtube videos which I found interesting. Would love to share more with you over the time. Latest tom I will have this row of pictures up of "I am not supposed to be" finally addressing the root of my trauma and "trustlessness". Love form my heart to yours. I really became to appreciate you
I LOVE that YOU LOVE YOURSELF....(HUGS).
ReplyDeleteHappy belated birthday!!!
ReplyDeletePaula - Loving yourself does seem like that! Intimacy and love are still confusing to me so it's been quite a process to figure it out. Thanks for sharing your art therapy blog! I appreciate you too Paula! You have been an inspiration! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMs Hen - *hugs* It's quite something to feel that being true.
Rhonda - Thanks dear! *hugs*
<3
Hi
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through a comment on another we both follow.
Love your ideas about art... I also use it in my recovery work.
Wonderful Gratitude list. You sound very optimistic and as if you have made great progress. That's awesome. I am still working on remembering to notice gratitude and to love myself. It isn't easy sometimes. Old habits die hard.
A friend of mine recomended an article in Vanity Fair about Meryl Streep. I googled it and found it on line. It really is a great article - about growing old gracefully. I love her - she has such dignity and integrety, two traits I truly admire.
Also - Happy Birthday :-)