An Update

I've been leaving my Joy post up since it is positive.  I wanted to do an update as I will be away for a few days and I've been busy as of late. 

I've been trying to figure out why I feel different.  It's like I feel stronger, prouder in some way.  Today I thought, well, maybe it's because I grew something of a spine as of late.  As I have said, there have been problems with loved ones.  Well, this last week, I couldn't get a hold of the one who is sick and my sibling that lives there. 

They would not pick up the phone, which is so rare.  Me and my other sibling were getting really worried.  So, I made a call to the local law enforcement for a welfare check.  I was so scared to do it.  I thought I'd anger people by doing it.  I was afraid that the protective dog around there would harm the officer checking and then he'd be put down.  I was so worried about getting yelled at or what have you.  I decided whatever happened was worth knowing they were ok.  Turns out they were, but never did call us to let us know.

So, the worry grew another few days.  I had enough.  I wanted to see with my own eyes that they were ok.  Why hadn't they contacted us?  So, I went there.  I took off work and other stuff I needed to do.  It had to be done.  We were worried sick, quite literally.  I was so scared I'd get yelled at for coming unannounced and late in the day.

I would probably have to expand more on this for it to be clear how huge this is for me.  This person terrifies me, even now.  I don't think it's realized how terrifying because the person didn't directly harm me.  But I saw and heard enough for this fear to grow.  Most of the fear is unnecessary, but I still need to learn this.  Actually, it all is.  It's just such a knee-jerk reaction.

I feel proud of myself.  I acted like a big sister, not a coward.  I even told them I loved them, which doesn't sound odd but in our family it is.  Affection just was not given most of the time.  I feel good about breaking the cycle of showing affection and love.  Love and fear may not make any sense.  It is how I feel.  I know what pain I have from my past was not intentional.  It reminds me of a lyric from a song Katie posted recently:  

I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

Goodness, I'd listen to it, but I already feel like crying and should wait on that.

Anyway, I feel pretty exhausted after writing about this.  I have some problems to deal with this weekend and the goal of making it a fun, happy weekend.  Oh, dang it.  It looks like it'll be cloudy at night this weekend.  So much for any starry nights.  Hopefully that changes.  Anyway, I wish you all the best and to take care!  Thank you so much for all of the loving thoughts and words on this blog and my others.  I truly appreciate it!  <3